Colby Miller Is An Idiot

Recently I have received some very strange letters from a friend of mine. His name is Chris. He is from my hometown, and I have know him for a very long time. Here is a photo of him for reference:

He is the white one.

The letters are as follow. Nothing has been changed or edited.

Dear Colby,

Hey man, what’s up? How are you? I heard that studio bought your story and that they are planning to make a movie out of it! That’s so sweet. You’re on your way to making the big bucks. Be sure to scoot some this way? LOL, just kidding. (sort of)

So remember that girl a few months back that we BOTH used to make fun of? The weird one. She used to always dress up like fantasy characters, and she had a big crush on me? Her name was Karah. Well, so funny, she asked me out the other night! Haha! Over Facebook! She is so weird…

Anyway, so I said yes, just to mess with her! We’re totally going out on our first date tomorrow evening. I’m going to make her actually believe that I have a huge crush on her! It’s going to be so funny. I’m taking her to a super fancy place, I’m going to rent a nice suit AND a nice car, and I’m going to get her like 3 dozen roses. LOL. I’ve even been sending her cute text messages just to string her along. So good!!!

Well, it was nice catching up. Hit me up soon!

Love,

Chris

Dear Chris,

Yes, a big studio did buy the rights to my story. This has opened up many opportunities for me, and I have received phone calls from several of my writing heros, congratulating me. I agree that this is a step towards making “the big bucks.” I certainly would not be opposed to taking you out to get something to eat soon, using my new money.

I do remember Karah. She used to date my friend from Kindergarten. She didn’t date him in Kindergarten, I just knew him in Kindergarten. He used to pretend he was a dinosaur, and he always talked in the third person.

That is strange that she asked you out. I’m not sure how I feel about you saying yes if you really don’t like her. Just don’t hurt her too bad, or anything like that. Maybe it’d be cool if you gave her a nice evening out? She probably doesn’t get it too often. It’s just a suggestion.

Have a good night, Chris. Be sure to let me know how it goes.

With love,

Colby

Dear Colby,

Dude. I do not like Karah? Why would I give her a nice evening just to give her a nice evening? I’m just messing with her man! It’s so funny!

Let me tell you what happened. So I get to her house in the Porsche I rented and I go to her door and knock. Just picture this.. I’m wearing a super nice suit, and I’ve got 4 dozen red roses. But guess what? Here is the hilarious part. I bought her a BRAND NEW dress for her to wear on the date! I got her size from her friends.

So she opens the door, and she just freaks. She jumps on me and I hug her of course, so that she thinks that I actually like her, and she changes into the dress and we go.

The whole time I’m driving I’m just totally messing with her and telling her that she looks beautiful and that I love her, and SHE BUYS IT. She is so dumb.

I took her to the nicest place in town. It cost 100 dollars for each of us. Totally worth it. You should have seen her face! She fell for it! Dude, it was so funny. She thinks I love her.

After we eat, I drive her home and walk her to her door, and she is super happy. Just when she thinks everything is going fine… I KISS HER! HAHAHA! AND SHE ACTUALLY KISSED ME BACK! Dude, she believes that I love her! I can’t believe it. It was soooo funny. I wish you were there. Maybe you should come next time? It could be a double date. I’m taking her on our second date in a couple days, just to mess with her. It would be so funny. Think about it.

Love always,

Chris

P.S. I’m down for dinner. You’ve certainly got the cash. Enough to share with me!! LOL, just kidding. But yes to dinner.

Dear Chris,

Wow, I am surprised at how far you are taking this joke. Are you sure you don’t like her? It’s okay if you do. I would not judge you in the least.

I’m not sure I can make it to your double date. I would say that I’ll join you next time, but I’m hoping, if this is truly a joke, that you don’t take it further than a second date.

I’ll text you the details about dinner sometime tonight. I have a few meetings in the afternoon with a few different studios, then we will talk.

Love eternal,

Colby

Dear Colby,

Hey man. Sorry I haven’t emailed you in like a week! Dinner was so much fun the other night. Thanks so much for taking me out. And congrats on the new car! And new house, too! Wow! You are doing well. It seems like you could afford to buy houses for all of your closest friends! Just kidding man, you don’t have to do that for me.

So, an update on Karah.. But FIRST. I don’t like her dude. Stop saying that I do. I’m just messing with her! What’s wrong with a good old practical joke?? You used to be funny.

We went on our fifth date and things got a little crazy after.. All according to plan, of course! So we totally have been making out and maybe going further, but not because I want to! Just to make her think that I like her! Oh my gosh… I know what you’re going to say already as I’m typing this. Dude I don’t love her. She means nothing to me!

Anyway, you should have been there when we were making out the other night. SO funny. We’re just all over each other, and I’m totally treating her like a queen so she thinks I love her. And just so she thinks we’re serious… I start talking about marriage. Hahah! And she fell for it!!! I think I’m going to do it! I’m totally going to propose to her. DUDE. You have to film it and we can put it on Youtube later. It’s going to be sooo funny.

With immense love,

Christopher

Dear Chris,

You don’t have to thank me for dinner, it was a pleasure. I had a beautiful time. Thank you for the compliments on all of my new stuff. Unfortunately, some of my deals fell through, and I had to take the car back. Oh well. Things will look up soon. I’m going to buy things on credit from now on so that I don’t have to pay right away anymore. Also, sorry for taking a long time to reply. Things have been crazy at home.

About Karah.. Listen, I heard from David that you proposed to Karah the other night and that she said yes. Are you absolutely sure that you don’t like her or love her? It seems like you do. Once again, it’s completely fine if you do. I’m happy for you! I think you too are cute. Don’t be embarassed.

I love you,

Colby

Dear Colby,

David is a liar dude. I didn’t actually propose to her. She just thinks that I did! You and I both know that I don’t like her! Why do you keep saying that?

It was so funny. I’m sorry you couldn’t make it! I invited everybody to watch, it was hilarious. Her family was there, her friends, and all of my family and friends, too. Basically, I bought a ticket for everyone to come to Disneyland with us, but secretly.

Karah and I go into Disneyland first and she basically thinks it’s just date number 14, no surprises there. But suddenly, in the center of Main Street, I kneel down and propose. Then all of our friends and family walk out of the shops and circle us. Dude, she starts crying and just says “Yes! Yes! A million times yes! I love you so much!” over and over again. Everybody started clapping and hugging. Dude, it was soo funny. I could barely keep from laughing, so I made myself cry so I wouldn’t laugh.

Anyway, we set the date for a couple weeks from today. It’s fast, I know. But it’s going to be so funny. I can’t believe I’ve taken this joke this far. She totally thinks that I love her and that I would die for her and that without her I would be nothing!!1! I hope you can show. It’s going to be hilarious.

I love you, too

Christopher

Dear Chris,

Thanks for inviting me to the wedding. I had a lot of fun hanging out with everybody. Money has been tight and I haven’t been able to get out much lately. Not that I would want to get out of my crappy apartment. I’m too afraid of being robbed or stabbed. My neighbors are very scary. They are Islamic and they play flight simulator all day. I would call someone, but I do not know who to call. My wife is gone, and she took the kids and all of my pasta noodles. For some reason she left the pasta sauce, so I ate it.

The wedding was incredible. I still cannot believe you flew us all out in first class to Maui for the ceremony and reception. And, while I’m not a fan, it’s very cool that you had Jack Johnson and Jason Mraz play at the reception.

You two looked very in love. I know you say this is all a joke, and yes, I saw every time you winked at me from the groomsmen’s table, but I really think you should just be honest with me. Nobody would go through all of this just to play a practical joke. I mean, really man?

Either way, I wish you the best of wishes. I offer you some advice, never buy anything on credit. Especially cars, houses, jewlery, iPads, or pools. Those are really hard to pay off.

I love you more than anything,

Colby-Bellamy

Dear Colby,

Thanks for everything. I was glad to have you at the wedding. You have to admit, it was hilarious. She’s still falling for it!!

I don’t care what you say dude. I don’t love her. I’m just messing with her. I told her I want to have children soon. I hope that will prove to you my true intentions. Get a sense of humor dude.

Anyway, I hope everything works out for you in court. Your wife is a good girl, I don’t think she’ll hit you too hard. I know a few good lawyers! I’ll email you some links.

Love always and forever,

Christopher

That is the last letter I have received. I haven’t emailed him back yet.